This work in progress is about the moment I heard my paternal grandmother died.

Forcefully replaying this memory is ...weird. This piece has a strong hand in shaping my future perception of the memory it is based on. While the piece is in progress, I don't discuss the memory with people who were there. I don't want witness accounts blurring with mine...

But blurring happens. Fictional and romantic notions creep in, shaping both my painting and my memory. I realize I not only want my piece to appear visually pleasing to the viewer, but to my future self. I actually accept this act of poetic license the way a writer is emboldened by journaling. As long as the inconsistencies in my work were written by my mind, I'm okay with inconsistencies because memories are never consistent. Where once I feared making this picture would sully my sacred thoughts, I now find it empowers me.

As one who struggles with depression, I treasure this feeling of empowerment over my own perception. I accept the fears and the pain I cannot master. I invite them to speak or perform until I understand and respect them.

There are wrenching memories outside of this one I know I'll try to paint, someday. When I do, I will be the ringmaster of my own mind. I can't control the world around me but I can control the way my mind perceives what happens to me.

It is emotionally intense creating pieces like these. I've required breaks from creating this one because I miss my grandmother or I feel the weight of death passing from one generation to the next. It's difficult to work on other pieces directly after touching this but breaks are necessary not just to let me breathe, but to allow the piece to breathe. My present moments need to shape the pure pictures of my past. To me, replaying certain memories doesn't diminish their quality but adds to their value.

These pieces aren't themselves my past, but ever-present places in my mind. I can never stop revisiting the day my grandmother died. Even if I never started this painting, the memory will live, breathe and evolve with me until I also pass on.